Hey, guys! Dang, so much has been going on in my life right now, and I find myself focusing on a variety of different things. I just wanted to let you know that I haven't forgotten about you guys. I'll be back into the blogging rotation in a few days!! Until then, enjoy this lovely photo. My pastor sent it to me.


I'm not saying ... I'm just saying.

        

Babe kills?

Believe it or not, I consider myself to be a journalist of sorts. Sure, I spend the precious hours God gave me bitching about celebrities and talking about how Lindsay Lohan's withering cleavage makes my soul sad ... but when I'm not doing that, I'm freelancing for two magazines, getting book reviews published and running a non-profit magazine full-time.

So when I hear a lot of news lately, I can't help but get disgusted over the tabloid fodder and negative shizzle floating around. Check out CNN.com sometime and you'll notice that, like, seven out of the 10 links on the right-hand side of the page are all negative and disturbing (or, at the very least, tabloid crap). It sells. No one wants to read about puppy dogs and ice cream everyday, I guess.

Every so often the media picks up something and runs with it until it's time for another bloated trend. Take the swine flu, for example. Everywhere you look now you're hearing about the illness, and it's getting more media play than the time Britney Spears vagina waved at the world. Amazing.

Here's what I don't get: About 30,000 people in America die of the regular flu (influenza) every year, and you don't really hear a lot about that. So then here comes this swine flu, and though it sucks it's killed hundreds of people, it's nowhere near as devastating as regular influenza. But it sells newspapers, and America is all about the drama. Maybe I'm misinformed, I dunno. I just don't get the sensationalism in journalism these days.

Good day to you.

I'm not saying ... I'm just saying.

        

This won an Oscar, right?

Crack doesn't kill people, Wesley Snipes kills people.

Have you ever spent hours glued to the TV, sprawled across your couch, hand firmly on genital (singular), relaxing, staring at non-stop crap until your eyes rolled into your skull? That happened to me this past Sunday. It was Jessica Alba hot outside (pushing 90 degrees!), so I stayed indoors for X amount of hours and retarded myself by watching every movie I could get my hands on.

Did you know that every hour, somewhere, somehow, Nicolas Cage is on cable television? It must be in his contract somewhere, because Jesus Christo, he's on ALL the time! I've seen "The Rock" so many times I could escape from Alcatraz using just a tampon and a Pez dispenser.

Anyway, I was on my couch, flipping through the channels, when I came across a movie I hadn't seen in years. Before I knew it, I  found myself watching "The Money Train" ... on the Telemundo channel! After hearing Wesley Snipes and Woody Harrelson jibber-jabber in Spanish for a good hour, I happily piddled in my pants. Twice.

At first it was funny watching them try to act, but after awhile, it got kinda annoying ... especially when Wesley would karate chop the bad guys and spit out translated slurs. Sounded like he was orchestrating a cock fight in Guatemala. Throw the whitest actor in Hollywood into the mix (Harrleson), and you've got yourself an absurd movie that kills your brain cells and your time.

Just thought I'd share. Love you.

I'm not saying ... I'm just saying.

        

Hello, I'm a hypocrite.

Mind if I vent? Oooh, I can't stand ignorant people.

Perez Hilton is an ignorant, no-talent ass clown who's famous for drawing semen stains on celebrity photographs and pimping his ugly mug. This guy is a straight-up tool who gets rich off of other people's accomplishments. He is a ridiculous ambassador of the blogging community, and he deserves to be punched in the elbow.

No doubt you've heard about the whole Miss America controversy with the blogger and Miss California. If you haven't, here's a quick recap: Ms. CA was asked what her stance was on same-sex marriage, and she answered honestly and eloquently. She was raised with the understanding that it's wrong, she doesn't agree with it and she hoped she didn't offend anyone. Coolio. Everyone has their opinion.

I don't know where I stand on same-sex marriage issue, but I do know I have no right to say who you can and cannot love. Who am I to judge? If you're happy, I'm happy. I also know that everyone has a right to believe what they want, and you respect that. Period. You might not agree with it, and you may abhor it, but you respect it. That's what makes America so wonderful.

Well, turns out Ms. CA most likely lost her crown because of that answer (and she was the favorite to win). Perez, who was a pageant judge, was so pissed off at her that he uploaded a video on his blog bashing Ms. CA and calling her a "stupid bitch," among other classy things. Why? Because she politely disagreed with his stance? Because she stuck to her beliefs and was diplomatic in her response?

People like Perez make me sick. They get rich piggy-backing on other people and then whine and bitch when the spotlight isn't on them. His ignorance is sickening, and his parading around as a "leader" of the gay community is disgusting. If I was gay, I wouldn't want some hack who draws poop doodles to represent my sexual ideals. A man in his position should understand the importance of acceptance.

I respect his opinion, but I disagree with his actions. Perez wants people to respect the fact that he's a gay, successful man, right? He wants people to respect his choices and direction in life? Got it. Then don't be a hypocrite by not respecting Ms. CA's choices and opinions. Whether you agree with Miss CA or not is beside the point. It's a matter of class, and Perez clearly has none.

I'm not saying .... I'm just saying.

        

Hulk-tastic?

I’ve been meaning to write about this for the past few days, but I couldn’t wrap my head around why Hulk Hogan is such a tool. Maybe it’s because he has a mustache that looks like the handlebars of a little girl’s bike, or maybe it’s because every other word that comes out of his mouth is “brother.”

If I had to pick one reason, though, it’s because he understands why O.J. Simpson went on a massacre and, get this, he’s “considerate” enough not to do the same. Side note: I never thought I'd put Hulk and O.J. in the same sentence.

I’m not followed by the paparazzi every day (at least not since I starred in that low-budget porno with Conan O’Brien and a coconut), and I certainly don’t have the pressures of celebrity weighing me down every day … but, really, Hulk? Really? I know a slightly retarded fellow who eats acorns and even HE knows not to take the O.J. route.

I get that people can say some stupid things sometimes, like my buddy Rick who asked to borrow Uncle Tom’s Cabin from a redneck, but this is ridiculous. Comparing your experience to OJ? That’s gonna bring on the hurt, brother.

Whatcha gonna do when Hulkamania runs wild on you?

I’m not saying … I’m just saying.

        

Finger-lickin' good?

Word around the Hollywood watercooler is that Mel Gibson's wife is divorcing him. Maybe it's because he called a cop "sugar tits" and blamed all of the world's wars on Jewish people. Or maybe it's because he looks like Colonel Sanders after a week-long Boone's-Farm binge. Either way, Mrs. Gibson is going to be getting half of what the wrinkled racist is worth: a whopping $900M! You know how many Christian movies you can ironically fund with that wad of dough?

It's amazing to think how 15 minutes can change your entire life. Before the drunk-driving incident a few years ago, Mel was respected in the Hollywood community and still pretty much a bankable star (I'll forgive him for What Women Want). But then in a single, drunken night, he threw that all to hell. The reputation he had been building for decades was blown out of the water, and all people could see from that point on was a megalomaniac who thinks the Holocaust never happend, that we never landed on the moon and that Barney really is a purple dinosaur.

I'm getting too old for this shit.

I'm not saying ... I'm just saying.

        

They be some smart folks right der!

I'm in a bullet mood. Not the kind Plaxico Burress likes to put in his leg or the Steve McQueen kind. I'm talking about the grammatical bullet; the black dot that sums up my random observations about boobies, hairlips and celebrity antics. I'm breakin' out the bullets to paraphrase what I think is hilarious right now:

• Here's an interesting thought that occurred to me recently: Remember when Don Imus, that old-as-dirt radio personality, called that ladies basketball team a bunch of nappy-headed hoes? Yeah, that's a Captain Douchebag move. Well, remember how Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton blew it way out of proportion, and for weeks tried to get him fired? Where they heck were they when Chris Brown nearly beat Rihanna to death? Where's the uproar? The soap-box speeches? Oh, that's right. It wasn't a white person who did it. JJ and AC's ignorance and reverse racism is hilarious!

• I just found out that Britney Spears and K-Fed are shacking up again. Nothing could be less exciting. Really. I'd rather watch the my 86-year-old girlfriend paint her toenails. At least then we could knock boots the second those little piggies dried. How someone with marginal talent can become such a staple in America is beyond me. That's F-ing hilarious!

• I'm going to cry tears of joy when the last American Idol is aired. Gawd. Really? Close to a decade later, they're still having this competition? You know who's going to win it once the final 12 are selected. It's the person who most fits the mold of pop superstar. And is Simon's rantings still funny, or does everyone agree that he needs to wear more muscle shirts? Ha, now that's hilarious!

I'm not saying ... I'm just saying.

        

Like Michael Jackson, it's black AND white!


Good news, INS-IJS fans: My random observations about Madonna’s scary arms and Hugh Jackman’s inability to frown has officially gone global! Yours truly recently purchased an Inspiron Mini 9 (sounds like a vibrator, tee hee) to write on the go.

Like lemmings and Jason Statham, it’s a tiny little thing. I’ll be taking this baby out and about tonight. I'm thinking some wine, a nice roast lamb, a little Dido. Once I become adept at using the damn thing, I'll be able to post from the road. That means more sarcasm in your Inbox, and even more updates about people with popped collars.

You know you love it.

I'm not saying ... I'm just saying.

        

Loser.

I know this may sound like an April's Fool joke, but it's for realsies:

Yesterday, Chris "Beat Her Down" Brown visited my hometown of Fredericksburg, Virginia, to play basketball at the University of Mary Washington. I have no idea why he chose to play here of all places ... or why he even likes basketball, since it doesn't involve punching/biting/choking women, but whatev.

And get this: This is the week of UMW's White Ribbon Campaign, which is devoted to raising awareness about violence toward women. The school is showing their support by wrapping white ribbons around trees et al, and apparently, letting punch-happy assclowns play in their gym. Classy.

God, I couldn't even make this stuff up. This is so deliciously ironic ... it's like seeing Pamela Anderson at a chastity-for-life event or Val Kilmer at the Oscars ... it just doesn't compute.

You can read more about Brown's appearance here.

I'm not saying ... I'm just saying.